religion changed me life. and then changed it again.

Christ was my lord. my everything.
he was my father my brother my mother and my keeper. he was all i was and all i wanted to be. he was my hero my saviour my longing. he was my bright and my dark. my high and my low. he was the deep and the shallow.

i spent many days at his feet. many days next to his throne. many days at church with other christians.

if i was to explain how close i was to the great i am. you wouldnt believe me.

i wanted more than anything to know the truths about god. i wasn't going to stop at anything to know this holy more than any could. i searched high, and i searched low. i searched everything and everything possible in this world to be close and to grow with the holy spirit.

what i found was...well a hurting girl, so broken and afraid. so sad and so alone. (not physically) i found a ripped soul and weakened heart.

but what happens next is beyond myself. beyond God. (ps, whatever i say is my own shit my own belief my own way to life, my own freedom. don't judge and don't ver try to change my thoughts. change your own)

i found god. all that he is all that he wants. all that he stands for all that he wants all he craves all he sees all does and all he loves. i found things i cant begin to explains. i saw thing i cant explain. i realized things i didn't want to. and most important i realized i didn't want to be a christian. i realized Jesus, isn't who we all think he is. he isn't all we want him to be. and he isn't a happy man who everyone can turn to... well everyone can turn to him. but the person your leaning on ... isn't who you think. i encourage you to seek everything out. because seek and you will find. oh boy did i seek, and oh boy did i find. i found truth

i found that you have to seek god all the way. and once you do. your done. your found the truth. everyone says god is the truth. there right. after you find god. you find the truth about everything. and the truth is ugly. and so is he. if this offends you. im sorry. this blog is for this kind of stuff. and im glad i have this place to get everything i feel off me.

this is no longer my opinion. it is a reality. most people sit in the same spot in their christian walk for so long. that they get use to never walking forward & to what they are really doing on that path anyway.

i got up one day. actually many days. and decided to figure everything out. and i may be young as hell for this. but i am strong and i am free and i am enjoying my life; happy and safe now.

i am set free. many people would say from god. but i say from religion and crisis. amen to that.

(im not saying jesus and god aren't real. cuz they are. im saying theres more to life than all they are)